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12 Goals That Can Transform Your Marriage

Bismillah
Rabbi Zidnee Ilman
“My Lord! Increase me in knowledge.”

Marriage is a magic word. Figuratively for some. A compromise for others. While a nightmare for a few. Everyone holds their respective opinions on marriage. Marriage is, as they say- “Not for everyone”, comes with a warning tag – “Is not a piece of cake. At your own risk”, to name a few.

But why is so much stigma and fear attached to this ‘state of feeling’? Why I call it being in a state will be understood by the end of the article in sha Allah.

Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala says in the Quran:

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.”
{Surah Ar-Rum 30: Verse 21}

Imagine being with a person throughout your lifetime, morning-evening, day- night, after waking up – before going to bed… ALL THE TIME! STUCK WITH YOU!

Now imagine this way. That one person you love the most, for the sake of Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala, is always by your side – to support you, guide you, hold you, be a shoulder to cry on, the biggest rock system to keep you going! Always! Stuck with you THROUGH THICK & THIN! Plus ensuring that you end up with them TOGETHER IN JANNAH ! ❤️ ❤️  🙂

Subhaan Allah, note the difference? That is exactly how a marriage in Islam is defined as; is supposed to be.

So what are the ways to ensure you live peacefully with your sweetheart? Read On!

► Coming together for the sole purpose of obeying Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala
Marriages are encouraged in Islam. Muslim couples have a very clear objective in mind before they are even hitched – “to please Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala alone and striving for the cause of Him”. So that itself makes it very easy to always remember what degree of relationship one must have with their spouse. And mindfully ‘both’ share the same aim. Thus, any other high profile expectations from a future spouse are cut at the source and both parties know their roles and responsibilities.

► They know their love should be only for the sake of Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala
This literally means that believing in the promise of Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala, that Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala will expand your love beyond this life into the Paradise, provided one follows the commands of Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala in this life and loves their spouse and is patient with them. This brings us to the most important gem for any marriage to be a bliss.

► They are patient and tolerant
Let us face it. No one is perfect. That is why we are humans and on Earth. If I have some good qualities, I also have some bad qualities which you may not like but they are not bad according to me. Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala has created us all with some imperfections which we have to live with and most essentially our spouses have to bear them! Two imperfect individuals are put together in each other’s lives to either propel together or drill one another. The choice is ours. One must always remember to forsake petty arguments and mistakes to keep the relationship focused and healthy. If you have complaints regarding your spouse, so does your spouse with you! Hence, refrain from letting the shaytaan interfere between you two, and always remind each other of Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala.

► Shaytaan is your enemy

“O mankind, eat from whatever is on the earth [that is lawful] and good and do not follow the footsteps of Satan. Indeed, he is to you a clear enemy.”
{Surah Al-Baqarah 2: Verse 168}

“Indeed, Satan is an enemy to you; so take him as an enemy. He only invites his party to be among the companions of the Blaze.”
{Surah Fatir 35: Verse 6}

Shaytaan is on a mission to destroy the mankind physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He knows our weaknesses and will use it against us at every opportunity he gets. We become more vulnerable to his attacks when we have had an argument with our loved ones. Couples are his favorite target. Remember how he kindled fire between Adam and Hawa? (On them both be Peace)
When you get into petty fights with your spouse, remember this evil mission of the Shaytaan and how you are letting him win by arguing more. One of you should instantly remind the other by saying, “Honey, let’s not permit the Shaytaan overcome us”, and mend your fight, in sha Allah. Apologize and make up. Hug it out! Letting go of one’s ego for the one you love is nothing less of a bliss plus it gets you brownie points with Allah so this is a win-win situation.

► Count the Pros/ Ignore the bad
We are all packaged with some flaws. We demand from our spouses to be more understanding towards us and want them to change for us. But didn’t you marry that person for what he/she was in the first place? Starting a marriage with the hope of changing someone later is the biggest mistake of starting any relationship let alone a great decision of marriage. Accept your spouse with their set of tiny flaws and try to look past them by focusing on the other major qualities they possess like their character, how they care for you, how they have been there for you in sickness and tough times, revel on the thoughts of how strongly you both have fought the waves of life’s tests together by supporting one another, etc. The insignificant flaws then sometimes turn adorable. SOMETIMES! But don’t fret and get upset. Appreciate and acknowledge the good qualities of your spouse every now and then; see how this acts as an ego booster for them and how they keep you happy and content. Appreciation goes a long way!

► Be Honest and Truthful
Be there for them. Be their honest critic and supporter. Let them know they are your priority. So communicating clearly is a must. Being honest with them about what bothers you and what you expect of them is the key. Work it out amicably and look for solutions which will restore the bond. Men especially don’t get easy signs and cannot understand what is on your mind (You know what I mean ladies). Get VERBAL! And see the magic.
However, that does not mean that you keep nagging them about how YOU want things in particular. Doesn’t work that way. Marriage is a two-way street, which requires effort from both sides. Try to gauge your spouse’s mood and read the body language. Staying together for few years will automatically get you the feels of that person, with better emotional understanding. Sometimes, even words would be spared from spoken out loud. You will already know their reaction or their thoughts on a particular situation. But all this comes with understanding and many moments of togetherness.

► Love starts at friendship and blossoms at marriage
Our Prophet (salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam) was like a friend to Aishah (radhi-Allahu anha). They played games together, raced, became children with each other. Subhaan Allah! They nurtured their love with innocence and affection.
Be very loving towards your spouse and be more on the giving side of it. The more you give the more you will receive. Be a friend to your spouse and be less judgmental. Talk to them like a friend without drama and be receptive to their perception. Your marriage should grow your friendship at every level so that any piece of news / thought you want to share with someone, your spouse is the first one your mind thinks of! Be their best friend. Be an ear, a shoulder to them in their times of insanity and craziness and let them know you’re there for them throughout. Friends don’t judge you, they lift you up and motivate you. You can be yourself in front of friends. There should not be any pretense when it comes to your Jannah-friend – your spouse. It’s okay to go crazy with your spouse once in a while and create your own moments of “special deranged times”. These are the moments that will belong to you both, and will bring you both closer together like never before.

► Give each other space and time
Humans are social animals I agree, but every social animal requires some ‘me-time’. Sometimes there is a need for us to be left alone in our tranquility of thoughts, to figure certain things out or to just be aloof for a while for no reason. Be understanding of this human urge and be supportive. Sometimes they might feel like chilling out with their friends, or visiting their parents, read a book, or just feel like going on a drive by themselves. Don’t get offended and feel left out. This does not mean they don’t love you anymore; they just want to be left alone in their own company. This calls for you to be a little more understanding and give them their space to function and grow. It acts like a rejuvenating experience and they will be back with a clearer mind and attitude, which will improve your ‘we-time’. So go invest some in that ‘me-time’!

► No unrealistic expectations
Don’t expect your spouse to be Amir Khan Perfectionist (pun intended). They are human and their imperfections are what make them human. Stay to ground reality that there won’t be rosy times always, but trying and testing times as well. Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala will test you both with times of ease and hardships. It is this test which you have to stand firm at and believe in Allah’s promise. Be open and receptive to marriage counseling – both pre-marital and post marriage. When turbulence creeps in, don’t hesitate to seek professional help, in sha Allah, and mend the relationship for the sake of AllahSubhanahu-wa-Taala. Know your rights of marriage and divorce. But don’t use the divorce gun in the open sky if the matter is trivial and can be reconciled.

►Surprise each other. Redefine Intimacy

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche

Surprise your spouse with small gifts sent their way- either to their office or home, make some surprise visits to them during the day, plan spontaneous getaways to a destination you both wanted to go but have been badly caught up with dunya work. Always try to keep the spark alive like when your relationship was new and you were just married. Try not to let the “honeymoon phase” die out. We are allowed to be intimate and sensual with our spouses; they are the ones we have been praying for all our adult life to share our lives with. So there should be no qualms or shy away from the only person you’re permitted to bare your awrah and soul. We can learn beautiful examples from the life of our Prophet (salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam) about his romantic side with his wives (Peace be upon them all). He was the perfect role model for mankind in character and romance. Sexual Intimacy in Islam is not tabooed as the world shapes it to be. In fact, we are encouraged to have the most romantic and loving relationship with our spouse and bloom the relationship at every level.

“They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them”
{Surah Baqarah: Verse 187}

An amazing book on this subject is “Like a garment”- By Shaykh Yasir Qadhi – a must read for all, in sha Allah.

“All too often people concentrate on finding the right spouse, little realizing that half of any marriage is being the right spouse.” 
Shaykh Yasir Qadhi

► Be ambitious with your partner
Your spouse should be the one who should motivate you, challenge you, push you to grow and believe in yourself. A knowledgeable spouse is better than a good looking one. Devise common aspirations for you both, set financial goals, discuss important matters of house budget, matters of kids and nurture your common interests. Brainstorm on ideas of giving Dawah, problems of the Ummah, your charity goals, etc.
Discuss your personal life goals with them, listen to theirs, offer honest inputs and mutually support each other to grow. One should not turn competitive with their spouse, but respect each other’s individual strengths, complement and compensate for their weaknesses. Communication is the key here. Be as open and direct as you can be with your spouse. No hidden agendas and hints work.

► Forgive, forget and let go
EGO and JEALOUSY – the green eyed monsters are always waiting at the door of couples much in love. They creep their way into your lives in a manner you won’t even realize and before you know it, you would be fighting with your spouse for every insignificant matter.  Many marriages have fallen apart due to these two hateful attributes. Again, these are the favorite tricks of the Shaytaan, which leave you drenched in heartache, emotional fatigue, and self-hate. Learn to forgive and overlook small shortcomings for the sake of Allah Subhanahu-wa-Taala and let go of your personal issues to keep the relationship solid. Umar (radhi-Allahu anhu) through the ahadith teaches us how your spouses have rights over you, which is why you have to be extremely patient with them.  When one is hot as fire, other has to be calm as water. When is argumentative, other has to be humble. Seek for Allah’s counsel through Dua. Pray together and let go the previous fights. Don’t carry them in your heart making it bitter and depriving yourself of enjoying the soothing relationship you share with your spouse for the sake of Allah.

LOVE ENTIRELY. LOVE FULLY

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day. You and me… every day.”
– Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

Authored by Kiara Ray

Prophet Muhammad- "Convey (knowledge) from me even if it is just one ayah." [Bukhari 3461]

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