When winter wind starts blowing, will it be practical to choose a less heavy dress that we use to wear during the summer? Or would we wear the winter jackets during hot summer? Garments that we choose to wear should be able to satisfy the necessity. In the Qur’an, Almighty Allah says that spouses are similar to this condition.
“They are your garments, and you are their garments.”- ( The Qur’an: Chapter 2 Verse 187).
However, one should not misunderstand the above comparison as if there should be a partner for each circumstance like the clothes we change in seasons. The winners of successful marriages are those who understand the necessities of their partner and mold themselves according to the circumstance.
It is easily said than practiced. So how can one learn to live as their spouses’ wishes while being themselves? That is where we make the biggest mistake, where we tend to think that the one whom we get married to should change themselves automatically, to be as we want. This is where ‘understanding each other’ plays a major role in our marital life. We have to understand the fact that we are tied with a bond not only for this life but for the life after death.
The Sacred Bond
It is a duty upon every man and woman to understand their spouse. Honeymoons soon end. Let’s be practical and talk the truth. Life is not what you see in movies or what you read in romantic books. It is far better than any of the movies made on earth for it is not based on mere enjoyment but the trust, love and belief.
As Muslims we get married not only to have the pleasure of this world but with the belief that the marriage is half of our deen. Allah says in the Qur’an that it is He who fills love in husband and wife who were once strangers. Just imagine that you are asked to live and share your life with a complete stranger and said that you will be rewarded accordingly. How would it be? To win the heart of the stranger, we would try our best to impress them with good manners and behavior. That is exactly what happens in an unlawful relationship. Each wears a mask to please the other to win their hearts. But when it comes to lawful marriage why does it become so difficult for us to impress one another? Whispering ‘I love you’ to a complete stranger or saying sorry for the smallest mistake we did seems easy than showing our love to our spouses.
Whispering love becomes so tough that we often forget to compliment, express love and be prompt to ask for forgiveness. This is exactly what the greatest enemy Shaytan vowed: to create distance between spouses and making it easy for an unlawful relationship.
Thus it is we who have to understand the fact that we are tied with a bond not only for this life but for the life after death. If every man and woman understood their responsibilities of each other and fulfilled without taking them as burdens and knowing that those acts are done for the sake of Allah to lead a blissful marriage, half the miseries of the marital life would ease out. Men want to be respected. No matter how much we love our husbands, the moment we fail to respect them will be the moment they would feel we are not the right one for them.
Follow the Golden Rule
Each shepherded is responsible for his cattle; likewise both spouses are responsible for each other’s acts. The first thing what we have to understand is that we are made differently. Shouting for EQUAL rights in a relationship is pointless for they are with different needs and thoughts. While women are made to be emotional, men are made not to express their emotions so often. It is said that removing a spike from a hedgehog is rather easy than making a man express his feelings and emotions. Women must understand this and try to adapt themselves rather than feeling depressed and left alone.
It would be wise to comprehend that their way of showing love is different from us. They might forget our birthdays or the anniversary, it might not strike them that a surprise gift would cheer us. But we have to know what makes them forget, why they keep themselves busy in their work. In the first place, why do they earn? Isn’t their sacrifices to give us a better life and to keep us happy?
Does a man expect his wife to be a cook, housekeeper, gardener or anything of such that the women’s rights associations shout of? Who would not like to have tasty food, walk not into a mess right after a hectic day? These could be minor expectations not the major ones.
Islam doesn’t stop a woman from working. But no one has the right to claim for her salary. The male members are responsible in feeding even the working women in their family. So habitually he becomes the head of the family and he should be respected. He must not feel that his wife is disgracing him in front of others.
And then comes, loyalty. He must know that his wife is loyal to him no matter what circumstances they might face together. With losses and gains, the spouses must hold hands together without letting him fight alone to battle with life’s struggles.
The Physical Need
Many studies illustrate that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but much more straightforward. Frequent ejaculation is essential for a healthy life of a man. That is how they are made, we can’t deny the truth. When women don’t understand the physical need of the man, the Shaytan walks in to play his major role in their lives. Eventually the men feel distressed, depressed and unwanted. They go for the alternative options.
Prophet Muhammad said: “When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.” (Narrated by Bukhari and Muslim) It is true that the physical need of a man is greater than the woman. But it doesn’t mean a man is allowed to do anything to fulfill his desires. Or because your wife doesn’t understand your necessity you can simply walk into a forbidden relationship! No!
“Oh young men! Whoever is capable [financially and otherwise] to [afford the expenses] of marriage, let him do so. [Marriage] helps one control his eyesight and chastise his private parts. But, he who can’t afford the marriage expenses, let him observe fast as it would [act] as a protector for him”. Narrated by Bukhari/Muslim.
When a woman’s way of expressing love is emotional, the man’s ways is physical. Women might think it’s selfishness of them. For more than half a century, that is what women’s activists were saying and we have molded our thoughts accordingly. But let’s be impartial and practical.
If we women need to be loved, surprised, cared, appreciated then why can’t they be similarly treated? Women must understand that there’s a different between she and he, but both are made of one. They are with many differences but depend on each other. The moment one spouse thinks of being independent the relationship is likely to be broken.
On the other hand, if a man knows how to surprise his wife with anything once in a while, it would cherish her heart. The men today fail to understand that women love to be touched with sentiments. Spend half a million for your wife, she won’t be satisfied. Spend a dollar or two and present it as a gift she will treasure it. That is how she is made of. Be patient in listening and be prompt in consoling when she feels down.
The man and woman are with many differences and are never meant to be the same. Their marriages are made with odds and ends, yet their togetherness should sparkle even when they have differences between them. Women physically and mentally face rapid changes in their lives and they often feel neglected. It is your duty as a husband to appreciate, show love and care. Women expect to be respected and receive loyalty from their husbands.
It is high time that men communicate with their women frequently and frankly. When you neglect your duties on your spouse it won’t take much time for other irrelevant means to get involved with your life. It would be too late when we turn back and realize. No one can read what is in our mind unless we tend to understand each other: understanding that we are made to be different. Beautiful are the relationships made by differences. The Sky and the Earth never meet and aren’t similar yet their togetherness, the horizon spellbinds the spectator.